Echobox is a fictional retelling of ancient Greek myths. There are countless versions of these stories, with just as many cultural and linguistic nuances. For the sake of storytelling and adaptation, we’ve taken creative liberties and added our own flair to many of the stories. The stories and characters of Echobox are by no means the only versions nor should they be taken as the ‘correct’ ones. Neither should they be taken as an accurate representation of who these deities were and are to their worshippers. Thank you for your help in remaining respectful to deities and practitioners!
Today’s episode features content warnings for mentions of homophobia.
[PODCAST INTRO PLAYS]
Now, put some headphones on. Sit back and enjoy the divine drama of episode seven, Q&A.
ECHO: Welcome listeners, back to ECHOBOX, recently rated the number one podcast for Olypmpian slander. As always I’m Echo, your host.
ECHO: We’ve come a long way since episode one. And I have all of your dear listeners to thank for that! Who knew so many people were interested in the sleeping arrangements of their favorite celebrity sluts.
ECHO: That being said, today I’ve decided to do a Q&A! You sent in questions and here I am to answer them along with my extra special guest.
[POPPY MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND]
ACHILLES: Shit, I was supposed to say something, wasn’t I?
ECHO: Yeah. Introduce yourself, dumbass.You’re the one who begged mw to be here and you miss your cue?
ACHILLES: Cool it, babe, you know I’ve been out of the spotlight for a hot minute. What’s up, Echobox fans? Do you have a fandom name yet, Echo? You should get on that immediately. Really ties it all together. Anyway, ou can call me… Styx.
ECHO: Achilles, I said pick a cool nickname. Not a fucking stick.
ACHILLES: I don’t even know who Achilles is. No idea. I’m not Achilles! I’m just Styx. And not like sticks! Like the Styx. The Greek river?
ECHO: Pat’s rubbing off on you, isn’t he?
ACHILLES: I mean… [LAUGHTER] But yeah. Those documentaries are VERY interesting once you get into them.
ECHO: You’re lucky you’re handsome, because nerds like you aren’t supposed to make it big. Well, ‘Styx’ and I are here to answer all your pressing, juicy and scandalous Q’s that were sent to our contact form, sent in through replies, or tweeted using the hashtag: echobox-tell-all. Take us away, Styx.
ACHILLES: Alright. Now, full disclaimer, this is just the reply with the most likes. Definitely not me cherrypicking questions. I would never do that. That said: first question, right out the gate: Echo, please tell us why you are such a raging bitch.
ECHO: What a wonderful way to start off. Hmm… if I were to give a single moment that leads to my villain origin story, I think it would be…. My mother listening to that one Olympus Brothers song. You know the one, right? Gods of the Sky? That song would make anyone a bitch.
ACHILLES: That one song made you a raging bitch? [LAUGHING]
ECHO: That, and also living in a world where I’m considered a bitch for literally just having the guts to tell the truth about the Olympians.
ACHILLES: Noted! If Pat and I ever have kids, I’ll play that song on loop in their nursery. I can’t have kids that can’t keep up with Daddy’s bitching. Another question. Why are you going so hard on Apollo when we all know Hera is the bitch pulling the strings?
ECHO: They’re all bitches! Especially Hera. I don’t know about “pulling strings” though. I wouldn’t give Hera that much credit. She’s mostly just there to look pretty and give her husband some flimsy excuse to pretend he’s a family man.
ACHILLES: [STAMMERING] Don’t make her out to be some trophy wife. I’ve heard her shit-talk myself. She’s a fucking snake in the grass.
ECHO: Just because she can gossip doesn’t mean she’s staging Apollo’s love affairs. Gods know Apollo can fuck that up himself.
ACHILLES: You’re right. She’s probably too busy staging everything about herself. Nothing about her is even real. She just popped out a kid and she’s already on Instagram promoting Shein’s swimsuit line. She’s literally like a mannequin. She probably just set the kid up with a nanny and said to hell with being a mom.
ECHO: It’s definitely what she did with her other kids with Zeus and look how those kids came out.
ACHILLES: And that’s that. Next question… [LAUGHING] Look at this shit. @ApolloStan97 on top is asking how to get Apollo to notice them. Right under them, I mean right under, is a tweet about Apollo not returning phone calls of randos he’s hooked up with. Is that not a before and after picture?
ECHO: Real question: how would you get Apollo’s attention?
ACHILLES: Look. Not that I would know obviously, but if I did… Word of advice. Number one: don’t want it. Number two: show a little skin and he’ll be drooling all over you. Kid’s got absolutely no standards.
ECHO: No way. Mr. I only date models or equally successful artists?
ACHILLES: Yes way! Those are all relationships to sell more merch and boost his streams. I don’t think Apollo’s ever actually loved anyone. The closest thing to real Apollo has these days is all those one night hookups he ends up ghosting.
ECHO: Well, not surprising. Like father, like son.
ACHILLES: Anyways, don’t worry, you’re not special Lover Boy #2. Apollo never returns any calls. Not even Daddy’s. Either of them.
ECHO: Okay, okay. Enough from you. Apollo gets enough air time already. Don’t inflate his ego even more.
ACHILLES: Here, look at this one. [SNORT] I don’t know if it was a question, but…
[BEAT]
ECHO: Hermes, I did offer you co-host. If you wanted to be on the show that badly, you should have taken me up on the offer!
ACHILLES: Yeah! Stop licking Zeus’ boots and get on the mic, little guy. Y’know, you’d be surprised how many verified accounts actually replied to the Q&A. Look at this one. “Achilles is so hot. One look and you know he’s packing.”
ECHO: I will kick you off this fucking show right now.
ACHILLES: Aww… listeners, I forgot that the lack of a blue checkmark on the Echobox twitter page is a sore subject. However will I be forgiven?
ECHO: I forgive but never forget, bitch. And just for the record: Achilles only has a blue checkmark because no one bothered taking it away after he lost his record deal.
ACHILLES: OH! I know what will make you feel better.[SINGSONG] Oh Echo!
ECHO: Unless Artemis replied to my tweet, I don’t care.
ACHILLES: Well… yes actually. But that’s not what I was going to say.
[ACHILLES AND ECHO SCUFFLING]
ECHO: Achilles! C’mon!
ECHO: I just wanna see!
ACHILLES: You are the reason everyone says short people have an anger problem.
ECHO: I will dick punch you and leak your embarrassingly bad selfies right now. Give me the phone!
ACHILLES: Jokes on you, I have zero bad selfies. I’m basically perfection personified.
ECHO: Stop being a dick and give it!
ACHILLES: But babe, this is a podcast. It would be pretty boring if you just read it for yourself. Plus, I was invited today to read questions so I think I’m entitled to read this one out.
ECHO: Read it then!
ACHILLES: Sit…
[CHAIR SQUEAKING]
ACHILLES: Good girl.
[ACHILLES GRUNTS IN PAIN AS ECHO HITS HIM]
ECHO: “Will you be streaming ‘Wild Animal’ next Friday? I’d love to hear what you and your fans think about the single.”
ACHILLES: [STRAINING] You’re a pretty wild animal yourself, Echo..
ECHO: Artemis leaked the date she’s dropping the single in MY Q&A? Everyone’s freaking out in the replies. I knew she would be dropping a single soon but I didn’t realize it was so soon. Yes! I will be streaming Wild Animals and I’d love to hit you with some thoughts when you open your DM’s next.
ACHILLES: I fucking hate you. So much.
ECHO: Shut up, Achilles. This is huge! Artemis listens to our show! The one Olympian actually worth anything. Artemis, if on top of thoughts about your single, you also want to DM about a guest appearance, hit me up! We won’t be nicer to your brother, but I have a feeling you won’t mind.
ACHILLES: Not to pivot but that new kid on the block Narcissus actually replied. “Echo, I would love to talk sometime when you get the chance.” And… he sent… oh! Well… What’s your podcast rated? I guess they can’t see anything, but it seems he thought your voice was pretty sexy.
[SILENCE]
ACHILLES: Um. Fuck. Want to just move on?
[BEAT]
ACHILLES: Here! This is better. Here’s one about Perseus.
ECHO: Oh boy. Can’t wait to hear about what people think about his most recent thirst trap.
ACHILLES: Actually, I think you’ll really like this one: “In one of your early episodes you talked about Perseus and Andromeda being a front for something else. Can you talk a little more about that?” I thought that it was a little obvious, but what do I know about the inner workings of a hetero? Care to explain, Echo?
ECHO: I guess Olympus Records has them so taking things at face value, they’ve forgotten how to read between the lines. To answer the question, it’s totally… what’s the word they used? A front. Just something public to hide a certain personal problem Perseus is having. She’s his pretty girlfriend for the public to see because he can’t get one on his own is what I’m saying.
ACHILLES: That’s what Zeus always wants. For you to find a nice, conventionally attractive woman and get your hands all over each other for the camera.. That’s the fucking expectation. That’s always the expectation. And if you don’t want to put up with it? Have fun getting blacklisted.
[BEAT]
ACHILLES: Sorry, that’s not the bitchy zingers you bring me on the show for.
ECHO: It’s okay. I can’t imagine.
ACHILLES: I’m always so fucking mad at Apollo. For being the exception. For being accepted in general. He can go around and put his dick in whoever he likes and there are no consequences.
ECHO: It’s fucked up, Achilles.
ACHILLES: Yeah… Anyway. Fuck that! I’ve still got Pat and a rich mom, so suck my dick, Apollo. As for Perseus: Look, I don’t know how much more obvious we can make it.
ECHO: Honestly? Whatever. Anyone with eyes and a brain can see it and if you don’t believe it, do a little digging to his pre-fame days. He was out in high school and then went as far back in the closet as possible the second Zeus demanded it. He’s gay, listeners. We’re saying he’s gay.
ACHILLES: Oh, look at you go! As long as we’re being honest with each other, I’ll tell you something fun: Andromeda was actually one of the options I got when I was asked if I wanted to get a beard or quit.
ECHO: Seriously? You’ve never told me that before!
ACHILLES: You never asked! But yeah. They’ve got a couple of beards on call. Some of them are in it for the money, but some of them are like Andromeda: Also trying to make their own careers work with their secrets.
ECHO: Wait. Is Andromeda… You know…
ACHILLES: I thought we gave up on tiptoeing? Yeah. Andromeda’s a lesbian. This is for her benefit just as much as his.
ECHO: Damn… well, no wonder they clung to each other so quickly. A match made in closeted queer heaven.
ACHILLES: I know right. Ah, another question about a sexually repressed man: “Hades is such a cinnamon roll I can’t believe Echo thinks he is capable of all that.” Honey, maybe reevaluate if that is your type.
ECHO: He’s no cinnamon roll, “Ebony underscore Way”. He’s… how would you describe him?
ACHILLES: Well he’s not cute and wholesome. I would know. I went over a million contracts and legal cleanups with him when I worked there. I wouldn’t say he’s the worst brother, but he’s definitely the most cunning of them. Definitely gets up to way more than even you or I know.
ECHO: I mean, not the worst out of those three isn’t a high bar to clear.
ACHILLES: It absolutely is not. Now, as much as I love talking shit with you, I promised to meet Pat for dinner. Can we wrap up? You know how much he hates when I show up late and wine drunk from our gossiping.
ECHO: Of course. I would never keep you away from your gay lover. I’m not Zeus. Everyone say bye Achilles! Or Styx. Or. Whatever. Bye, Achilles.
ECHO: Thanks for submitting questions everyone! Next week, we are back to normal with whatever fucked up shit the Olympians get up to this next upcoming week. As always, I’m Echo, logging off.
[ECHOBOX OUTRO PLAYS]
Echobox is written and produced by the Echobox Podcast Team. This episode stars, in order of appearance, Isabella Sales as Alex/Echo, Emma K Blakslee as Achilles. It was written by Isabella Sales. Audio and sound design by Corienne Swanson, Meg Mckellar and Marianna Marcon. Logo design by Lucas Eduardo Bueno and website by Andy Cerdan.
Transcripts for this episode and others can be found on our website by transcriber Maxwell Caetano. Our website also has additional in-universe content and ways to get in contact with us. Visit echoboxpod.net or check the show notes for a link.
The music we used today was Ethernight Club and Magic Scout Cottages by Kevin McLeod, licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 from creativecommons.org/by/3.0.
Echobox is created out of love for storytelling and provided at no profit to us. Your feedback is our reward! Reach out on our website or find us as echoboxpod across social media.
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Thank you for listening. Until next time, dear listeners.