Echobox is a fictional retelling of ancient Greek myths. There are countless versions of these stories, with just as many cultural and linguistic nuances. For the sake of storytelling and adaptation, we’ve taken creative liberties and added our own flair to many of the stories. The stories and characters of Echobox are by no means the only versions nor should they be taken as the ‘correct’ ones. Neither should they be taken as an accurate representation of who these deities were and are to their worshippers. Thank you for your help in remaining respectful to deities and practitioners!
Today’s episode features content warnings for mentions of homophobia, parental abuse, and postpartum depression.
Now put some headphones on, sit back, and enjoy the divine drama of episode six, Congrats, Daddy.
[ECHO’S THEME PLAYS]
[ELEVATOR MUZAK PLAYS, PHONE VIBRATES]
ECHO: Achilles, you better have a good reason to call me at seven AM.
ACHILLES: Jesus. Good morning!
ECHO: To you, I guess.
ACHILLES: Echo dear, I think you need to get laid.
ECHO: I will personally go over to your place and eat you raw. Don’t test me.
ACHILLES: [LAUGHS] So, you busy right now?
ECHO: I’m Zeus’ PA. I’m always fucking busy. Right now, I’m trying to find a very manly pacifier for Heracles, because I brought him a yellow one and Zeus threatened to fire me three times and committed a multitude of hate crimes.
ECHO: So. Yeah. I’m looking for a macho pacifier. Those were his words. He said he thought I would understand better if he spoke my language.
ACHILLES: Does he know you’re Brazilian?
ECHO: I don’t think he even knows what a Brazilian is.
ECHO: He also said that Apollo is bi and Artemis is gay because of how much they shared things when they were babies. And no, he didn’t use those words. And honestly, I was used to coffee runs and dragging Apollo or Dionysus out of the trash, but this thing of going out to buy baby stuff is definitely new.
ACHILLES: Are you done with your little monologue?
ECHO: No. And you called, so you better listen to me.I had to change Heracles’ diaper. His fucking diaper. I doubt that’s in my job description.
ECHO: Well, I know what this week’s episode is going to be about.
ACHILLES: Hmmm, Alex, don’t you think you should keep the babies out of it?
ECHO: I have been keeping them out of it. I even got dragged online that I wasn’t mentioning them. The people are asking me for this, Achilles.
ACHILLES: The people, huh?
ECHO: Yes. The people.
ACHILLES: Well, alright. Just, babe, try to not slander them too much, alright? It’s not their fault that they’re Zeus’ children.
ECHO: Are you growing soft? Forgotten what a child of Zeus did to you?
ACHILLES: It’s not growing soft. You know I hate those bastards as much as you do. They deserve to be wrecked. But this is a baby. A literal baby.
ECHO: Born in a fucking golden crib. But don’t worry about it. I’m not going to wreck the stupid baby. I’m not a monster, you know. Zeus is the real villain here.
ECHO: And he’s calling me right now. I have to go.
ACHILLES: Bye, love.
ECHO: Hello, sir.
ZEUS: Alejandra, where are you? Did you get lost?
ECHO: No, Mr. Olympus. I’m at the drugstore.
ZEUS: What the hell are you doing there? Do I need a new assistant?
ECHO: I’m sorry, sir. You don’t need a new assistant.
ZEUS: I need you in your best shape. [BEAT] Anyway, Hera just called me.
ECHO: I- What do you- What do you need me to do, sir?
ZEUS: Her water broke, and she needs to be driven to the hospital.
ECHO: You- you want me to-
ZEUS: For God’s sake, do I need to spell it out for you? Drive her to the hospital. My daughter can’t be born in a car.
You better get there fast.
[ZEUS HANGS UP]
ECHO: New job description: help the birth of a child, I guess. And my name is not Alejandra, you fucking asshole.
[ECHOBOX INTRO PLAYS]
ECHO: Hello, everyone, and welcome to Echobox. Zeus, if you’re listening: congrats on the new kid. I mean, kids! If you’re not. Hermes- tell your dad congrats. Hopefully he will love these new kids more than he does you.
ECHO: And yeah, I said kids. No, I’m not confused.
ECHO: So… I did say that Zeus had learned how to wear a condom in his little misdoings.
ECHO: Yeah, I was wrong. I think I was expecting too much out of him. It seems that an old dog can’t learn new tricks.
ECHO: So! Yay! Zeus just got two new kids right now.
ECHO: Heracles was just born almost two months ago. from a random ass woman who had the misfortune of catching Zeus’ eyes.
ECHO: Hebe came into the world….. yesterday. Not that Zeus was there to see it, no. He was busy. Maybe verbally abusing one of his other kids, or fucking some random girl he groomed. Those are his favorite hobbies, after all.
ECHO: Anyway, people were talking about how I must not be so good at getting info, because I hadn’t mentioned the babies.
ECHO: First of all, just because I don’t say everything, doesn’t mean I don’t know it.
ECHO: I guess you could say I was trying to be decent and not bring the babies into it.
ECHO: Don’t worry, though, I got the message. I won’t play nice anymore.
ECHO: I don’t know what I was thinking, truly. Thank you, dear listeners, for giving me a heads up.
ECHO: The Olympians don’t deserve anyone else jumping through hoops to keep them happy.
ECHO: And it’s not like anyone is giving Zeus’ any trouble over starting another family.
ECHO: Actually it is kinda weird… No one is even talking about it. Not officially, I mean.
ECHO: This stinks of Zeus.
ECHO: He wouldn’t want his wife finding out that while she was pregnant with their accident baby, he was busy getting ready for yet another bundle of joy..
ECHO: You know how it is. Hera is in her 40s… An older woman like that doesn’t need any stressors in her pregnancy, right?
ECHO: But well… Little Hebe is safe and sound now. And still, the official news outlets are quiet about the new baby bastard.
ECHO: I guess being a real source means you can get either bribed or threatened into silence.
ECHO: Lucky for me, I’m just a silly old gossip podcast.
ECHO: Zeus could never get to me.
ECHO: And little Heracles deserves some spotlight too, doesn’t he?
ECHO: He’s an adorable little baby who likes to yell and demands things to be his way. So much like his dad!
ECHO: I bet he is proud. Heracles, enjoy that feeling. I don’t think you’re going to experience it much in your life.
ECHO: Nothing against you, of course. You’re a baby. But just ask your half siblings.
ECHO: I’m sure they already have your spot saved for family therapy when daddy decides to put you through hell.
ECHO: And… Yeah, he chose that name. Means ‘glory of Hera.‘
ECHO: Maybe he was trying to make her happy. Like, hey, yeah, I cheated on you and had another kid from another woman, but I named him in your honor?
ECHO: I don’t know what he was going for here. Zeus’ mind is a mystery to us all.
ECHO: My guess? He was just being a dick.
ECHO: What I do know is that Hera is not happy.
ECHO: Ok, ok, that’s not news. Hera is never happy. If you were married to Zeus, you probably wouldn’t be too.
ECHO: But she is really not happy right now.
ECHO: Yeah, I mean… I guess most new moms have baby blues, but Hera isn’t exactly a new mom.
ECHO: I’m not saying she is mom of the year – her children were raised on nannies and tutors – but she has some experience on the matter.
ECHO: A stork told me that she is avoiding her little baby daughter ever since she was born.
ECHO: I’m no expert on the matter, but it’s not Hebe’s fault that her dad is a sleazy cheating bastard.
ECHO: She didn’t ruin any lives! Yet, of course.
ECHO: You never know with an Olympian.
ECHO: I’m sure she and Herakles will get to the family’s business pretty soon.
ECHO: Anyway, congrats, mommy! You are basically the mother of twins!
ECHO: If… one of the twins came from your husband’s mistress. Well. At least it was just one this time instead of two, right?
ECHO: Try getting some makeup on your face before you go show off Hebe to the legion of fans. As you lovingly like to tell your crying intern: tears are a sign of weakness. If you let them see you cry, you are done for.
ECHO: And, congrats daddy!
ECHO: Hope you don’t ruin the lives of these kids, but we all know this is just wishful thinking.
ECHO: This is Echo, logging off.
[ECHO BOX OUTRO PLAYS]
Echobox is written and produced by the Echobox Podcast Team. This episode stars, in order of appearance, Isabella Sales as Alex/Echo, Emma K Blakeslee as Achilles, and Damon Alums as Zeus. It was written by Isabella Sales. Audio and sound design by Corienne Swanson, Meg Mckellar, and Marianna Marcon. Logo design by Lucas Eduardo Bueno and website by Andy Cerdan.
Transcripts for this episode and others can be found on our website by transcriber Maxwell Caetano. Our website also has additional in-universe content and ways to get in contact with us. Visit echoboxpod.net or check the show notes for a link.
Echobox is created out of love for storytelling and provided at no profit to us. Your feedback is our reward! Reach out on our website or find us as echoboxpod across social media.
If you liked the episode, let us know and share with a friend! You can also drop us a review at Apple Podcasts to help us grow. We would love to hear your thoughts on it.
Thank you for listening. Until next time, dear listeners.
The music we used today was Ethernight Club and Magic Scout Cottages by Kevin McLeod, licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 from creativecommons.org/by/3.0.